SECRET ? or is it.
I found this Editorial Extract in a 1946
copy of the Glasgow Herald, and thought
folks would be interested to see it here.
The story behind it is that there appears to
have been a report, or scandal, about some
missing 'secret' files belonging to the
British Control Commission in Berlin.
Following the end of the war the previous
year, the BCC were effectively the local
government in the British Sector of occupied
Berlin, ruling affairs in the city until
post-war Germans could rule themselves.
The said 'missing' files then turned up,
prompting this editor to comment thus with
his tongue-in-cheek poke at officialdom and
their bewildering methods, and particularly
at the military.
Missing official files, documents, scandals
thereto ... nothing changes, does it.
SECRET or TOP SECRET
There has been some excitement in the
British Control Commission in Berlin because
a “top secret” file disappeared for a few
days and then reappeared on a shelf in the
office from which it was missed.
And not even a signature for it. We are
appalled. We have in fact, been appalled for
just ten minutes, having just refreshed our
memory on the proper treatment of “secret”
documents as set out in the voluminous notes
we made during the transition from AC1 to
officer.
“Top” is the highest degree of secrecy. It
used to be “Most”, but the Americans did not
like it, so we adopted their style between
1943 and 1944.
A “Top Secret” document is so secret that
its very existence is not known, and its
circulation and custody are hedged with the
most stringent precautions. Indeed, it is so
secret that it is doubtful if really there
is any such thing.
Another rule, which helped to add mystery to
“top secret” letters, was that they had to
be typed by the adjutant himself. This, of
course, was the equivalent of putting them
in code.
The difference between a “top secret” and a
“secret” document is only the degree of
suspicion that there is as to its existence,
and its contents “must remain unknown
save to those having direct concern with
it.” That was generally interpreted as
meaning everybody from the C.O. to the men
on jankers.
The movement of a secret document, or file,
is directed by a fixed routine. It is placed
in an envelope heavily marked “Secret”. This
is just to make sure that nobody knows of
its existence.
It then passes through all the hands in the
orderly room and arrives at last at a
registry, where a clerk noted its reference
number, signs a receipt, and encloses it in
a plain envelope with the address.
A despatch rider is then given the plain
envelope, but to ensure that he does not
dawdle on the way he is told that there is a
“secret” letter inside. That makes him feel
important, and has even been known to make
him hurry.
The rules for the custody of “secret” (which
includes “top secret”) files are equally
strict. They must be kept by the adjutant,
locked in a steel chest or safe. That must
not be the safe that contains railway
warrants and routine forms. Custom, however,
has allowed that it may be the safe in which
the whisky bottle is kept, for, like the
secret document, its existence should not be
suspected.
In transit, “secret” files must be sealed in
a large plain envelope, and at every point
on its travels a receipt must be signed.
Presumably, the regulations of the Control
Commission differ from these only in detail.
One other point remains to be mentioned in
the deception of the curious. That is the
disposal of “secret” documents which are no
longer current. All such documents, metal
fastenings having been removed, should be
put in sealed sacks conspicuously marked
“Secret Waste” and these set aside to await
an opportunity for treatment at the nearest
pulping mill.
One has often wondered why the terms
“secret” and “top secret” are always used
officially between inverted commas.
From the Glasgow Herald;
Dec 1946
There's some SHORT STORIES right at
the bottom of this page,
in the event you're bored, or have
trouble sleeping.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how
Lot's wife looked back and turned into a
pillar of salt, when little Jason
interrupted,
'My Mummy looked back once while she was
driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and
she turned into a telephone pole!'
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her
class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, 'If you saw a person
lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding,
what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed
silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do
you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he
was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with
just two worms?'
_______________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her
children, 'We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible
times, but there is a Higher Power. Can
anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Simon was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he
got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely. Then he radioed headquarters
for reinforcements. They sent bombers to
blow up the bridge and all the Israelites
were saved.'
'Now, Simon, is that really what your
teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mum. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!'
________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her
young class memorize one of the most quoted
passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave
the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Michael was excited about the task --
but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Michael was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
________________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old
boy, 'Your mother says your prayers for you
each night? That's very commendable. What
does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in
bed!'
________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The vicar's 5 year-old daughter noticed that
her father always paused and bowed his head
for a moment before starting his sermon. One
day she asked him why.
'Well, sweetheart,' he began, proud that his
daughter was so observant of his messages,
'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a
good sermon.'
'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.
________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday,
there was a loud whistle from one of the
back pews.
Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched
him into silence and, after church, asked,
'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to
teach me to whistle, and He did!'
________________________________
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his
prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning,
too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared
in the daytime.'
________________________________
EQUAL REPRESENTATION
When my daughter, Kelly, said her bedtime
prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every pet, current
and past.
For several weeks, after we had finished the
nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All
girls.'
This soon became part of her nightly
routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked
her, 'Kelly, why do you always add the part
about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always
finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
________________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Alexander and his family were having
Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the
food was being served.
When Alexander received his plate, he
started eating right away.'
Alexander! Please, wait until we say our
prayer,' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course you do.' his mother insisted. 'We
always say a prayer before eating at our
house.'
'That's at our house.' Alexander explained.
'But this is Grandma's house, and she knows
how to cook!'
Tools
An
Introduction to Tools ... and how to
use them . .
including the hazards encountered in
such use,
recognisable to anyone who used to
maintain his own car in the old days.
Drill Press
: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat steel bar stock
out of your hands, striking you in the
chest and flinging your beer across the
shed, splattering it against that
freshly painted part on the workbench.
Wire Wheel
: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them
under the workbench at the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprints and
guitar calluses in the time it takes to
say "ouch!" and less time it takes to
say "b****r it!!"
Electric Hand Drill
: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
Pliers
: Used to round off bolt heads. Often
also used to create blood blisters.
Hacksaw
: One of a family of cutting tools built
on the Ouija Board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion and the more you
attempt to influence its direction the
more dismal your failure becomes.
Vice Grips
: Generally used after pliers to further
round off a bolt. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
Oxy-acetylene Torch
: Used almost exclusively for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for setting fire to
the grease around that wheel bearing you
were trying to remove by heating the
hub.
Whitworth Sockets
: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles. Now mostly are
hammered over bolts previously rounded
by vice grips.
Hydraulic Floor Jack
: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after installing new brake shoes,
trapping the handle firmly under the
bumper. May also be used to lower
vehicle onto the plastic pail you
drained the engine oil into, immediately
prior to moving the vehicle and spilling
oil all over your garage floor or
concrete driveway.
Two by Four
: An eight-foot long bar made of wood
used for levering the vehicle upward off
the hydraulic floor jack handle.
Tweezers
: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or
wire wheel wires from your fingers.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
: A tool 10 times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes.
Works well in inexpensive or easy to
replace parts but using this tool in
expensive parts of your engine will
cause almost certain costly failure.
Two-Ton Engine Hoist
: Used for testing the tensile strength
of electrical wires, hoses etc that you
forgot to disconnect when removing your
engine or gearbox.
Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver
: A large pry bar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined flat tip at the
opposite end to the handle.
Aviation Metal Snips
: See "Hacksaw."
Trouble Light ; aka Inspection Light
: A very appropriately named tool. Its
two main purposes are to shine an
intense light directly into your eyes
instead of onto the part you are trying
to illuminate and also to consume 40w
light bulbs at the same rate as a 105mm
howitzer consumes shells. Sometimes
called a drop light for reasons obvious
to anybody who has used one.
Philips Head Screwdriver
: Normally used to stab the silver
vacuum seals under the screw off lids of
oil cans but can also be used, as the
name implies, to strip out the heads of
Phillips screws.
Pry Bar
: A tool often used to crumple the metal
surrounding a clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace that 2/-
part. (for you kids, that's two
shillings, or 10p)
Hose Cutter
: Used to make hoses too short. Can be
saved/stored in various parts of
workshop or garage with many others of
its kind for company, for when you need
a shorter hose. On finding a suitable
looking hose for the job, it is
invariably just slightly too long ...
and so the whole process goes round
again until the one time hose is now a
rubber washer. Thence to be kept in a
suitable tin in a suitable drawer, with
many other similar ex-hoses, now
redesignated washers.
Hammer
: Originally used as a weapon of war,
but nowadays used as a device to locate
and partially destroy the most expensive
parts or your engine or machine,
adjacent to the part you are really
trying to hit/loosen/move/bend/knock
off.
Utility Knife
: Used to open boxes and slice through
the contents of packages delivered to
your front door. Works particularly well
on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in
plastic bottles, official documents,
collector magazines etc. Especially
useful for slicing through work clothes,
overalls, but only when you are in them.
Dammit Tool
: Any tool that gets thrown across the
garage as you yell "Dammit!" It is also
the next tool that you find you will
need, and so need to go and find it. In
Britain, aka B*****D tool, as in file of
same name.
Expletive:
A soothing balm, or mechanics lube,
usually applied verbally and in
hindsight, which somehow eases the pain
and embarrassment of your lack of
foresight. Two starred examples are
above.
Church Bulletins
Oh, Those wonderful Church
Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters.
These sentences (with all the errors
) appeared in various
church bulletins or were announced
in church services
and are collected for your amusement
here.
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning 'Jesus Walks
on the Water.'
The sermon tonight 'Searching for
Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those
things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the
Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not
pass this
way again,' giving obvious pleasure to
the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and
don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts
for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married
on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in
their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday
evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently
needed due to the
addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans,
bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the
envelope along with
the deceased person you want
remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of
fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 500 PM –
prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a
hymn singing
in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after
the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the
ladies of the
Congregation would lend him their
electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will
meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM
at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the
church's new
campaign slogan last Sunday ''I Upped
My Pledge - Up Yours.''
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday
evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
--------------------------
A FEW SHORT STORIES
mostly for children, and some with a
local interest.
THOMAS'
CONTRAPTION
with local interest, but around 5,000BC
WATTLE
& DAUB
inspired by the re-opening of
Shakespeare's Globe.
MURDER
IN THE MUSEUM
is a black tale that bears no
relation to the presentations
we occasionally run.
JUST TWO FEET
a story inspired by the finding of the
bones of
RICHARD III, but minus his feet.
AND FINALLY ....
an ode to everyone who has ever cursed
their computer
My Computer
It hates me, my computer
It just sits there and blinks.
They say it’s just machinery
But I’m sure the damned thing thinks.
I’ve worked it out on paper
That the closest I can get
Is ten feet from the keyboard
Before it gets upset.
I have been on all the courses,
I have taken all the tests.
But if my machine is active,
Then it likes to take long rests.
It becomes a competition
To see who gets fed up first,
But in this “Man/Machine” encounter
It’s my eyes that come off worst.
I can strike required buttons,
I depress the correct keys,
But my mouse has curled its toes up
And it’s brought me to my knees.
Now there’s only one thing for it,
Nice and simple, clean, no fuss -
Just re-programme with a chainsaw
And reach for the abacus!
Terry Ireland
BWB 1995
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